Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
