I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
