he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
