The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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