who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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