I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
