the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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