respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
