My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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