Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
