im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
