dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize