God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
