My friends, they love my intelligence
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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