I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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