Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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