Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
