btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize