my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
