quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Panties = found
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
