oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
