this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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