Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
