I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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