taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
