Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
