too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
