If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
