Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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