Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
