filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
