You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize