He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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