i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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