2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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