We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I want to fling myself into the sun
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
