I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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