i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
