I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Randomize
