I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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