How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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