So drunk its hurt
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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