gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
