My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
