Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
