if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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