So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
