Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
