I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize