he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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