If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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