the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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