Porn is love you can see.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
