I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
