so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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