Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
