i wish my penis had a tongue
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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